Vanity Card #3 – The Mermaid Theory

How I Met Your Mother, that was a great show. However, one particular theory…

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How I Met Your Mother, that was a great show.

Unfortunately the finale screwed the whole thing for me. However, one particular theory from the trustworthy womanizer Barney Stinson really hit me hard. The Mermaid Theory.

It’s all about the human mind developing something that seems unattractive at first..to something very desirable. Since I’m a big teddy bear with a broken weighing scale, I’m not the very first catch in the ocean of passion. But I have my charms, goddammit!

So one lonely night it struck me – I’m a male mermaid..merman?

You want proof? I’ve been a regular customer at the local barbershop and my barber has been the same cute girl for a year or so. So when does the clock start ticking? As soon as I realize I can make the girl laugh. Doesn’t matter if she is out of my league.

Somewhere, in the back of her mind..

Tick, tack.

Today, after 11 months, 12 days and couple of hours..

While she was doing magic to my hair, we talked, laughed and shared.

The clocked ticked for the last time and rang like hell. I walk out of the barbershop with the girls phone number on my receipt. The Mermaid Theory, in practice, ladies and gentlemen.

Here’s the true kicker though, drum roll please!

She’s already dating.

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Vanity Card #2 – The Baby Steps

Great Chinese philosopher Confucius once taught his pupils..

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Great Chinese philosopher Confucius once taught his pupils:

When it is obvious that the goals cannot be reached, don’t adjust the goals, adjust the action steps.

However, the privileged western society and the film production companies in Hollywood have always begged me to shoot for the moon! American philosophy at its best – doesn’t matter if we land on the moon..holy shit we are in space! Or at least, shooting a very realistic astronaut jump scene at the Warner Bros studio lot.

But I’m no Neil or Lance Armstrong.

I don’t take steroids or find asteroids amusing.

That’s why I rather park my car far away from other cars.

That’s the story of a man who is afraid of dents and scratches on his trustworthy 2008′ Ford Focus.

Such a pussy.

Vanity Card #1 – Beginnings

Everything that has beginning has an end.

I mildly refuse this deep proposition…

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Everything that has a beginning has an end.

I mildly refuse this deep proposition since I’ve left so many things unfinished I could write a book about them. Couple of absurd one night stands, dodgy friendships, breathtaking women, gruesome heartbreaks and scars. Then there is always that one milk carton in the fridge that never makes it. Down the drain it goes, what a waste.

Let’s call this milk carton “Love”.

You understand nothing about love before you find yourself falling knee deep in rose petals for a woman whose real name is still a total mystery. My perception of reality can be blinded, yes. That is why men like me usually see things begin and end while the real truth has always been out there, in the open. Doesn’t matter how hard you struggle to end something, there will always be pieces of someone else inside of you.

Because real love never grows old on you. Relationships end.

Love stays, no matter how cold your feet get.

We just stop acting on it.

For all I care, the milk carton can stay in the fridge. I’m not throwing it away unless I need more room for my booze. At the moment, I could not care less if the love of my life happened to be a luxurious bitch.

This kid had run out of champagne long, long time ago.