Vanity Card #6 – The Independence Day

Two soldiers are hiding in the snowy trench. It has been dark for hours but the glittering snow lights up the small farm land…

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Two soldiers are hiding in the snowy trench.

It has been dark for hours but the glittering snow lights up the small farm land. While one of the two soldiers starts to stare at the midnight sky, scouting team reports that the enemy is advancing through the grizzly forest. There was a certain chill in the air, whispering death for the soldiers that did not listen carefully. – this was an ambush.

Today our national TV station is broadcasting The Unknown Soldier. Here beneath the northern sky, Finland celebrates the independence day of our prestigious country. Please don’t hurt us, Russia! Kidding. We love you, big bear. Just don’t shoot our jets, alright?

I’m trying to pull a leg, crack a joke, poke some fun tonight..but every attempt just falls apart, you know? Suffering from a hangover has its effects, I guess. I’ll return funnier tomorrow..maybe.

Sleep easy Finland and happy Independence Day y’all!

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Vanity Card #5 – The Bed Monsters

I have a guilty conscience, sometimes for very stupid reasons. Good thing I’m not a…

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I have a guilty conscience, sometimes for very stupid reasons.

Good thing I’m not a catholic believer. All those blowjobs and bending over for the holy spirit. Kidding. Pope Benedict once declared pedophilia was normal back in his glory days. Shit. Sorry. I’ve gotten badly sidetracked. Hats off to the new Pope though, he is awesome.

The real issue today is my sleeping. I woke up at 1 PM today. My valiant attorney (side personality) claimed for my defense that I actually went to sleep too late. Still waiting for the jury to vote.

We find the defendant George..not guilty and well rested!

Somehow it still feels wrong, you know? These are the conflicting times my friend, getting revenge on the world by sleeping late, leaving someone else to pick up the suitcase and run to the office at 6 AM! It feels wrong, but so good. Kinda like doing wrong stuff with your ex-girlfriends best friend..or your friends ex-girlfriend. Can’t help it, sleeping in just makes my brain move faster (pun intended). Since I’m trying to break the Da Vinci code here, here’s the real moral lesson of the Twilight Trilogy:

Men are usually monsters and they always crave for younger women.

Vanity Card #4 – The Unemployed Horseman

The Bible states that there are Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. According to the written legend…

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The Bible states that there are Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

According to the written legend, The Lamb of God (you know, the guy with the beard that got crucified) opened the four seals from Gods epic scroll and released The Four Horsemen.

This is my application for the position of fifth Horseman.

Man, you four have so cool names. Pestilence, War, Famine and Death. Here’s my pitch – I could be named “Unemployment”. Why, you ask me? Since the economy went down the drain in America and Europe, I could really score big! You know, I could ban graduates from getting any career plans going and boot the old timers from their cozy jobs. Then destroy all the old family companies and drink their tears!

I really think that would make your jobs way more easier!

Why should I be picked for this position?

  1. I am already unemployed and can’t find a working career
  2. I sometimes have desire for vengeance!
  3. I really like horses

So there you have it. Please say yes and I will contribute a worthy tribute in your name!

P.s. Can I give a cool name for my fierce horsie? Pinkie Pie?

P.p.s Can I paint it purple?

Vanity Card #3 – The Mermaid Theory

How I Met Your Mother, that was a great show. However, one particular theory…

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How I Met Your Mother, that was a great show.

Unfortunately the finale screwed the whole thing for me. However, one particular theory from the trustworthy womanizer Barney Stinson really hit me hard. The Mermaid Theory.

It’s all about the human mind developing something that seems unattractive at first..to something very desirable. Since I’m a big teddy bear with a broken weighing scale, I’m not the very first catch in the ocean of passion. But I have my charms, goddammit!

So one lonely night it struck me – I’m a male mermaid..merman?

You want proof? I’ve been a regular customer at the local barbershop and my barber has been the same cute girl for a year or so. So when does the clock start ticking? As soon as I realize I can make the girl laugh. Doesn’t matter if she is out of my league.

Somewhere, in the back of her mind..

Tick, tack.

Today, after 11 months, 12 days and couple of hours..

While she was doing magic to my hair, we talked, laughed and shared.

The clocked ticked for the last time and rang like hell. I walk out of the barbershop with the girls phone number on my receipt. The Mermaid Theory, in practice, ladies and gentlemen.

Here’s the true kicker though, drum roll please!

She’s already dating.

Vanity Card #2 – The Baby Steps

Great Chinese philosopher Confucius once taught his pupils..

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Great Chinese philosopher Confucius once taught his pupils:

When it is obvious that the goals cannot be reached, don’t adjust the goals, adjust the action steps.

However, the privileged western society and the film production companies in Hollywood have always begged me to shoot for the moon! American philosophy at its best – doesn’t matter if we land on the moon..holy shit we are in space! Or at least, shooting a very realistic astronaut jump scene at the Warner Bros studio lot.

But I’m no Neil or Lance Armstrong.

I don’t take steroids or find asteroids amusing.

That’s why I rather park my car far away from other cars.

That’s the story of a man who is afraid of dents and scratches on his trustworthy 2008′ Ford Focus.

Such a pussy.

Vanity Card #1 – Beginnings

Everything that has beginning has an end.

I mildly refuse this deep proposition…

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Everything that has a beginning has an end.

I mildly refuse this deep proposition since I’ve left so many things unfinished I could write a book about them. Couple of absurd one night stands, dodgy friendships, breathtaking women, gruesome heartbreaks and scars. Then there is always that one milk carton in the fridge that never makes it. Down the drain it goes, what a waste.

Let’s call this milk carton “Love”.

You understand nothing about love before you find yourself falling knee deep in rose petals for a woman whose real name is still a total mystery. My perception of reality can be blinded, yes. That is why men like me usually see things begin and end while the real truth has always been out there, in the open. Doesn’t matter how hard you struggle to end something, there will always be pieces of someone else inside of you.

Because real love never grows old on you. Relationships end.

Love stays, no matter how cold your feet get.

We just stop acting on it.

For all I care, the milk carton can stay in the fridge. I’m not throwing it away unless I need more room for my booze. At the moment, I could not care less if the love of my life happened to be a luxurious bitch.

This kid had run out of champagne long, long time ago.